Student: I realize that I really, really struggle with telling people I don’t want to do something.
Soulaire: (Laughter) I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing at the fact that I know this one very well. So, the biggest issue, even for me, is we see “no” as a bad word. So, you have a hard time saying no.

Student: Correct.

Soulaire: Well, I can tell you what that means. When somebody is afraid to say “no” to someone because of a fear of rejection, or they have a fear that someone is not going to like them anymore, you have to understand that ‘no’ is a very powerful, tiny word. It is what teaches us to set boundaries with other people, even with ourselves. We’ve got to say ‘no’ to ourselves sometimes when we’re sitting there looking at this thing of chocolate ice cream and we want to eat the whole thing.

There is a point where we have to set boundaries and ‘no’ is a really good word for that. Sometimes we think that when we say ‘no’ we’re not likable. Well, I can tell you I said “no” to my kids all the time. “No, you can’t do that.” Oh, would they get mad at me, but guess what, they’re still in my life, they still love me, they’re still around.

One of the things that I’ve learned in my journey is that I had to set boundaries with my kids, even my ex-husband. There are things you have to say ‘no’ to because otherwise you work till you drop, you go places you don’t want to go. I can tell you that I have seen people who actually look full of anxiety because they are going to do something that they should have said ‘no’ to. Why they didn’t say ‘no’ is because they didn’t want to hurt that person’s feelings, they didn’t want them to feel bad. Instead of being really honest and saying, “I’m really not looking forward to that, “that’s not something I want to do”, “I would have liked to have one-on-one time with you instead of going out here and hanging out with a bunch of people.”

The thing that I have learned is that to say ‘no’ to somebody really means that you are learning to take care of you, and we don’t teach the world to take care of itself. We put everybody first, we do all of this because we want them to love us, we want them to like us. But, you know what, even when I gave the shirt off my back, or did everything that I could, I still could not… I’m telling you, I ended up losing my shirt because I didn’t set a boundary with somebody. Then finally when I did, I thought they would come back with a conversation and we would sit and talk it out, we would work through it. But this person just decided “No. We’re right and that’s it. You’re not doing it my way and that’s the highway.”

You can throw away your life doing that or you can say, “I can’t talk right now.” But when you truly are ready, you reach a point where you reach out and have an honest conversation with somebody about how you are feeling. Does what you want to do really mean that you have to get this person to accept you? “The only way they’re going to accept me is if I do this.” Do you see what I’m saying?

It's really important to remember that when you set boundaries with people, you’re telling them ‘no’ because you don’t want to trigger some of the negative things that you feel. Right? Now I’m not to telling you to stay a hermit or say hidden away, but find a way to work through it by setting some parameters with people. “I’m willing to go out but it’s just me and you go have coffee, we talk.” You don’t have to go out to a brewery or hang out with a bunch of people you don’t know. I think that if you do that, and explain to somebody how you’re feeling about something, most people don’t stay mad at you. Have you ever noticed that?

I mean, my children got mad at me and the next day they were over it. Well, that’s the way the world works. People can get mad. But, see, nowadays, what people are doing is they get mad and run away, or get mad and they attack you on social media, or they get pissed off and they’re going to destroy you because you didn’t do it their way. That’s not how you handle it.

How you handle it is, if you’re having conflict, don’t run away in emotion. Remember emotion for most people is a trigger of some sort. If you are feeling very upset, that’s when you don’t make a lot of decisions. You regroup, you stop, “Nope, I’m not doing it. I’m feeling very emotion.” That’s when you learn… When in emotion, do nothing, you don’t make life’s decisions.

It’s like being on a drug. If you are out there and planning something and you throw your entire life away because you’re in emotion, well, you lose. No matter how hard you try, you’re still losing because you’re in emotion. Remember that when you calm down enough you start to think, “Wow, I probably shouldn’t have done that.”

There are ways to get around stuff. There’s a way to heal. As we go through these resets in our lives, we just have to remember “when in emotion, do nothing” because that will usually be the mistake you make. It’s okay to say ‘no’ to somebody because you know you’re in emotion. That’s setting that boundary with yourself, and it’s putting that person in the place to say, “Not today. Not right now. I’m just feeling…..and I have to own it. I have to take accountability for what I’m feeling.

Then, once that emotion has passed, then you have an honest conversation with somebody about it. “This is why I did that. This is where I was at the time.” Most people, if you give yourself time to move through the motion, it won’t trigger again. That’s what you’ve got to remember because you’re aware of it and now you’re going to work through it.

That’s how I did it and people still love you whether you realize it or not. They would prefer your honesty to running away and hiding. ‘No’ is a mighty, little word, but it can be very effective when you know you’re not in a place to do something. Just remember that.