Student: So, I’ve been having this other issue where my sister and I don’t really connect like we used to. Every time we talk we end up in a debate or a fight, and it gets ugly kind of quick. I like to say that it’s her fault and she insists that it’s my fault and it just gets bigger. I’m trying to figure out what to do with that because she is clearly the problem.

Soulaire: Clearly. Uh huh. Well, one of the things I’ve learned in my journey is that it takes two to dance, it takes two to argue. It’s a partnership that you’re trying to figure out and the biggest thing I’ve learned is that most people don’t take accountability for the argument, they don’t take accountability for their part in the role they’re playing.

Think of it kind of like this…your sister has an opinion, and you have an opinion. Who’s right? Okay, for her, she’s right and for you, you’re right. The biggest issue we have in today’s society is it’s one person has to be the winner in an argument. Well, we’re living in some really crazy political times and what I’ve really learned is that there are going to be people that are going to disagree with you and you will argue until you’re blue in the face and there is no win in that.

One of the things I’ve come to understand is about taking accountability for how I respond, taking accountability for the things I say or do. That’s what I have to look at. I think of it kind of like…let’s say you have a big fight with your sister, like you did, and all of a sudden, she’s not speaking to you and you’re not willing to resolve the issue. Nobody is willing to take accountability for the argument and all of a sudden “I am going to be right,” “I’m going to get the last word in.” Well, that can’t happen because you will never resolve anything.

Think of like political sides… you have people that are democratic, republican, or independent. You know what? We used to be okay with that, but we’re not okay with that anymore. Think of it like this, I can’t change your mind. You want to blame your sister, that’s fine, but here’s the thing you’ve got to remember…you have the power within you to stop arguing. Stop looking for the answer you think you need to hear and accept that she has a difference of opinion because if you two don’t come together and have a cease fire and agree that you take accountability for the things that you know to be right for you and accept her for where she’s at…right?...there might be a cease fire in this argument. It doesn’t mean that you’re going to go in and go, “You’re right, I’m wrong.” You wouldn’t do that, right?

But there are some things you don’t talk about and if there is something that you keep talking about it needs to be off your topic list. Don’t talk about it anymore because you can’t change a person’s religious belief, you can’t change their political values, you can’t even change how a person looks at the world because you’re not in their shoes. What you have to remember is that you know your shoes really well and you’ve worn them for a very long time, right? If they’re not willing, stop fighting. It’s a topic you can’t win, so stop going there. The idea is that you want to be right, she wants to be right, and at the end of the day, nobody wins.
Are there other things that you like that you do together that you can actually agree upon? Look for those things and those are the things that you can make be a part of your conversation or whatever it is. If somebody comes along and wants to bring it back into the topic, you say, “Nope. This is a boundary, and it is “No. I am not okay with this, I do not want to talk about this, and I am going to get off the phone” or “I am going to take a break here.”

It’s okay to tell people that you don’t want to go there. They may try to razz you, they may try to get a rise out of you, they may try to do things, but only you can stop where you’re sitting in the argument. I can tell you that eventually you are going to move on to other things and get along and be in a better place around it, but you cannot convince somebody to come your way. The only example you can set is you. Walk in a way that you prove to that sister of yours that you love her anyway. You love her because she’s your sister and it isn’t about right or wrong, it’s just differences of opinion. If you can learn to do that, and recognize that it’s okay to have a difference of opinion, who’s taking accountability?

Student: I am.

Soulaire: Yeah, because you’re taking accountability for where you’re at and if you’re not willing to budge on it because it’s morally or it’s affecting you in other ways, then you choose not to go down that path.
I have been in recovery for 46 years and in that time, I can go into a brewery or be around people. I don’t even think about it. It’s not on my agenda. It isn’t even in what I want to do. It’s because I have learned that that’s just not something that I do. Do I judge other people for it? No.
What you have to realize is that some people choose to socialize that way, some people choose not to. There is no right or wrong to it. The only way it’s right or wrong is if it’s affecting you personally. People drinking doesn’t affect me personally because I just choose not to drink. It’s OK. I can be around these people and let them do whatever they do because it’s not my life, it’s not my journey.
It’s really learning I’m taking accountability for my sobriety, I’m taking accountability for my choice words that I use, and I am not here to convince anybody of right or wrong. I am only going to say that if you want to argue…you know what I’d say? Don’t. Don’t get into the boxing ring