How to not give a shit (even when you really do)

I was staring at my text message that I had been waiting to respond to. 

This person really wanted a response, a reason from me. I had the underlying feeling they didn’t really want an explanation (because I had already given one), but really a debate or to defend their position as people so often do. You see, when a person like myself is in the position I’m in, people frequently ask for my insight and clarity. Sometimes, the truth can be hard to hear.

So then I found myself where I so often do, sitting up in bed after a late night debating with myself on how to respond to this text, wasting those precious sleep moments. Should I try to explain myself again? Or should I backtrack and try to appease them to make them feel better? That would be the more loving thing to do, right? And by stepping back and appeasing them (which must be unconditionally loving someone), I might: a) feel less guilty, b) avoid having someone talk shit about me.

Or… I can choose to step forward, which is where I prefer to be.

I closed my iPad and laid down thinking, “I don’t care what they think of me. Fuck it.” But I knew I was lying to myself. The truth is I do care, and I really do care a lot about other people’s feelings. Yes, I play the part of a serious entrepreneur, but at the end of the day I’m a human being and a big softie at heart. And I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. I think that means I have a healthy ego.

So I closed my eyes, and envisioned that person standing in front of me. And I said, “It’s not that I don’t care. I really do. But now I have to care more about my own happiness.” And in that moment, I was able to turn that care inward onto myself and take it in. Big breath in. Exhale out.

I’ve had to practice to turn my care inward. But by caring so much about where other people are at, I’m denying myself my own love and care. Self-care. I get that this is easier said than done. And it’s easier to have boundaries if you’re an asshole. But when you do care it can be a bit harder. That’s just the way it is. That’s why we have to find a reason to care about ourselves.

Boundaries are not always easy, but they are completely essential. The one thing I do know is that my ability to create the life I desire is based on my ability to be (relatively) okay with the discomfort of setting boundaries. Because let’s face it, boundaries really are your power house. Without healthy boundaries I wouldn’t be able to create a life with my own businesses, and a supportive loving circle of people in my life.

So, for all of you fellow softies out there, here’s 3 tips for not giving a shit (even when you really do):

• Remember, saying “no” is not a dirty word. 

• You don’t have to respond.  Just because someone knocks on your door, doesn’t mean you have to answer it. Needless to say you don’t have to respond to a phone call, email, text message, instant message, or any other type of communication. Period.

• State this mantra to yourself. “It’s not that I don’t care [insert person’s name]. I really do. I just care more deeply about [insert what you care about for yourself more]. Maybe it’s:

• “…I just care more deeply about speaking my truth.”

• “…I just care more deeply about only allowing positive people into my life.”

• “…I just care more deeply about my dog than your dog.”

Whatever your reason is, you have to find what it is you care more about yourself.

Self-care is really about finding the capacity to care about yourself more than what someone else thinks of you.

Some people make take offense to your self-care, especially if they’re used to you stepping back. Some will be inspired and learn to love themselves that much more. I prefer to hold that I’ll be the beacon of light.

Soulaire